new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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