I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
