go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize