shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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