people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
