My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
