i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
