I cannot find my penis.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
