Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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