I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
