I'm pants shitting drunk right now
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize