It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
