A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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