TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
