I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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