Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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