I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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