I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
