god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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