Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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