I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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