so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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