I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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