My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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