Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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