I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
