Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize