So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
