did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize