I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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