Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
