why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize