i love accidental penises.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize