he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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