I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
