just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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