When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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