Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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