One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
