Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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