Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
