I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
