Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
