i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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