I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
