My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
