Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
