On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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