Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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