Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
