i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
