i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
