I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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