theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize