I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize