I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
