FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
