ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
