Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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