I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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